Somatically Oriented Jean Shopping
Just returned from a wonderful, restorative trip to a chain store that I find visually pleasing. I like to look at all the pretty things and let my mind wonder. Somatically speaking, when we look at things that are visually interesting we actually shift our outlook into a place of curiosity. I knew once I shifted this in my body I could come in contact with my felt body sensations and thoughts about what I really came to the store for…jeans.
I have struggled with all pants since I have stopped compulsively exercising and dieting. My body has changed and is continuing to change and shift. I often gravitate towards loose, drawstring pants but they often leave me feeling like I am covered in fabric and there is too much space between the fabric and me. Jeans are especially hard because they do tend to be fitted so they are the opposite side of the spectrum of the drawstring pants. I like the look of jeans aesthetically and wanted some more pairs for the upcoming fall.
After trying on some jeans I chose, I headed to the dressing room. I felt the familiar sense of dread that usually accompanies the dressing room. In this moment though I was in a place where I could integrate this sensation for what it really is, not blame or shame for the body that will wear it.
Dread is what I had named this sensation that walks parallel with me in the fitting room. It was familiar, I sat with it while I put my headphones in and pumped some music (great co regulator for me). What was I dreading? Nothing.. Dread is usually coupled with buzziness for me. No, this was disappointment… disappointment that the things I liked would not fit.
With that integrated and feeling as though I had matched the narrative between my body and mind I put on the first pair of pants. My eyes went right to my belly. Curious, why did my eyes first go there? It makes sense as the most uncomfortable jeans hit me in the stomach, so natural I would look there. My children do the same with certain body parts that they are attuned to being a source of ill fitting clothing or fabric.
This is where things took a slight turn… I stood there wondering why I did not look like the person, larger bodied model that likely wore the same size I did, and it hit me. They never really show a pronounced belly in advertisements. They do not show bellies like mine. Bellies that give a roundness to the front of jeans where the pictures show softness but not roundness. Hmm… I liked the feel and fit of the jeans so I bought them.
I started to revisit moments around images I see of larger bodies in the fashion industry….. They all are still hourglass, even when round and rolled they are large breasted, a waist and a pronounced hip. They are thick lipped, high cheek bones, inviting eyes. They are the acceptable version of fat in our society. The palatability of them is easier to take for a generation that was told larger bodies are wrong. These characteristics are also seen as highly desirable for the “male gaze.” Contrasting that men’s fashion is the same way but with the idea that all humans are attracted to broad shoulders, thinner waist, lean build or even a slightly larger build with the same proportions. These are also built on the foundation of heteronormativity and that we essentially only dress to attract.
In conclusion, shopping for jeans in a market where the foundation is being “attractive” leaves me with an understanding that I will always have struggles finding jeans that fit me… both figuratively and literally.
